Do you have a friend or loved one whom you consider a ‘good listener’ and is your go-to person when you are upset?
Most likely, he or she knows how to ‘actively listen’. When a loved one is upset or may be struggling with a larger mental health issue, often the best way you can help is to simply ‘listen’ and allow the other person to ‘let things out’.
Learn more about how to practice active listening and provide the right support to someone in need.
What is Active Listening?
It is a communication skill that involves listening, understanding, remembering, and reflecting on what the speaker is saying, in a manner that implies “I hear you”, or “I feel you”. It can be expressed through our body language as well as what we say.
What is the Role of Body Language?
Body language refers to non-verbal cues that can be expressed through movement, speech patterns, facial expressions and posture.
Our body language often sends a stronger message than the words we say, and can significantly influence the reactions, attitudes and opinions of our peers towards us.
In the context of listening to others in need, projecting open and attentive body language signals will put others at ease, making it more encouraging for them to confide in you.
What Should I Say?
The following are simple ways to respond that communicate to the speaker that you are paying attention and listening to them.
- Repeating or parroting out what you have heard: Remembering and repeating the words the speaker has said exactly is often the easiest way to indicate that you are listening to him or her.
- Speaker: “I feel stressed about my work, having to take care of my parents and manage my relationship with my spouse”.
- Listener: “I hear that you are feeling stressed about your work, having to take care of your parents and manage your relationship with your spouse”.
- Paraphrasing: Remembering what the speaker says and repeating the content of what you have heard in your own words.
- Speaker: “I feel stressed about my work, having to take care of my parents and my relationship with my spouse”.
- Listener: “I hear that you are drained of energy due to work, caregiving to your parents and having to deal with conflicts with your spouse”.
- Reflective Listening: Reflective listening is probably the best and yet challenging form of active listening. It requires you to listen, remember, put yourself into the shoes of the speaker, pick up any feelings or emotions and reflect them to the speaker. Doing this helps to communicate a sense of empathy towards the speaker and helps the speaker feel more understood and open to share more with you.
- Speaker: “I feel stressed about my work, having to take care of my parents and my relationship with my spouse”.
- Listener: ‘It sounds like you are feeling low and burnout from having to cope with multiple problems that are happening all at the same time’.
You can start practicing reflective listening by noting down your own feelings on a piece of paper. Next, practice how you would speak to yourself using the guide above.
Practicing self-compassion is often a good way to begin your active listening journey before implementing to others.
What You Should Avoid
Rather than helping, certain ways of responding can end up making the other person feel more upset and misunderstood:
1. Body Language that indicates signs of restlessness or impatience.
These may include non-verbal cues such as crossing your arms, tapping your fingers or feet and appearing frustrated. The speaker may feel like he or she is imposing on you and decides not to open up further.
2. Multitasking and appearing distracted.
It is important to give the speaker your full and undivided attention. Avoid checking your phone or looking around while listening. This might give the impression that you are disinterested in what the speaker has to say.
3. Interrupting.
Allow the speaker to finish their sentences before responding. Constant interruption is disrespectful to the speaker and can discourage him or her from continuing the conversation.
4. Giving unsolicited Advice
- While you may be eager to offer solutions, be aware that the speaker might just need a listening ear and a safe space to ventilate. Allow the speaker to finish speaking before asking how you can help him/her or offering your ideas.
- While you may be eager to offer solutions, be aware that the speaker might just need a listening ear and a safe space to ventilate. Allow the speaker to finish speaking before asking how you can help him/her or offering your ideas.
5. Making it About Yourself
- While it may be tempting to bring in your own experiences to share, do understand that you are here to listen to others, not talk about yourself. As much as possible, avoid inserting personal anecdotes or experiences unless you are being asked to.
Once you feel that the person has finished sharing everything she wished to, a helpful thing to do next is to provide the person with some reassurance to help him or her feel better.
For more tips on this, check out our next article on How Do I Reassure Someone in Distress?
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