QUESTION:
Mother’s Day is always challenging for me, because I don’t share a good relationship with my mother. What should I do?
ANSWER:
It is true that not everyone shares a close relationship with their mothers, some relationships can be very challenging, marked by hostility, bitterness and resentment.
Some unhelpful traits of a mother that could lead to a dysfunctional mother-child relationship include:
1. Overbearing and controlling
‘I have experienced more in life, so you must listen to me’
You might find that your mother constantly disapproves of every independent decision you make. You struggle between choosing what you want and what your mother wants in order to keep her appeased. Over time, you may stop communicating your needs to your mother as you find this to be pointless. This lack of autonomy and freedom to choose and do as please gradually leads to bitterness and resentment towards your mother. Also, you find yourself engaging in second guessing when having to make important decisions which can stifle your personal growth and independence.
2. Overly Critical
‘You are stupid’, ‘You can never do things right’
You constantly receive negative or critical remarks which make you feel that you are “not good enough” or “plain stupid” or incompetent as a person. You then feel compelled to achieve perfection in order to prove yourself. This flawed thinking can over time lead to issues of low self-esteem and self-confidence. When you fail to achieve perfection, this leads into a vicious cycle of self-blame and low sense of self-esteem and self-confidence.
3. Dismissive
‘You’re thinking too much’, ‘Don’t be so weak’, ’You shouldn’t be happy over small successes’
When you try to open up to your mother about your struggles, you find that your negative feelings are minimized or ignored. You do not feel validated but felt silenced instead. Even when you share successes with your mother, you are told that these successes are minimal and not important. Over time, you learn to suppress your thoughts or feelings to avoid being judged or dismissed. Research has shown that excessive suppression of emotions can lead to both physical and mental health issues.
4. Manipulative
‘I worked so hard to put you through school, I am only asking for this much and this is how you treat me? ’
When there are disagreements, your mother might display guilt tripping or gaslighting behaviours (e.g. use of threats, putting herself in a victim’s role) that make you feel bad in order to make you agree or follow her wishes. Bitterness and resentment may accumulate over time as you continue to give in, especially at the expense of your well-being.
Here are some strategies to manage the relationship:
1.Communicating your needs assertively
There are many who have given up communicating their needs or even feelings to their mothers. This broken communication pattern will likely create more misunderstandings and unhappiness, worsening relationships. It is important to set aside time and space to have open communication with your mother to let them know how their words or actions have caused emotional hurts. Be assertive in communicating your needs and feelings and be specific about what changes you would like to see and also, be open to make compromises.
2. Setting Clear Boundaries
Most of the time, we would expect our mothers to know what our boundaries are. We expect them to mindread us which is not helpful. There is a need to communicate to your mother what you would like to keep private and establish clear and firm boundaries with them, not to intrude into your privacy.
3. Changing your mindset
If you find yourself being overwhelmed by negative remarks, it is time to exercise some self-compassion by reminding yourself that ‘no one is perfect’ and that you are a person with both strengths and weaknesses. Take time to acknowledge your strengths and practise gratitude for the positive things that are happening in your life. Reframing challenges in life as opportunities for growth can be beneficial in helping you to stay resilient and optimistic.
4. Confiding in support systems
If you are unable to receive adequate emotional support from your mother, do seek support from others such as your friends, partner or even a helping professional such as a psychologist. A psychologist can also help to improve mother-child relationships through family therapy.
